if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize