My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
