Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
