Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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