My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
