is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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