Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
