my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
