so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
