Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
