I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I touched a dick in church today
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
