Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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