mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
