Say something about gay babies.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
