i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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