Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just had sex on a roof
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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