I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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