Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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