Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
