I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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