i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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