Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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