No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
