FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
