I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
