I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Plan B is the new Plan A
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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