I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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