Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
