i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
