I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
