I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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