Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize