I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
