He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize