The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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