I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
false alarm, still single
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
