and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
