I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
