Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
