if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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