Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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