So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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