my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
