I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
