you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
