On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
