my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize