Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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