Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
