All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
