How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
