My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
