; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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