I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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