we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
