ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
