I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
