hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
