I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
