Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
